BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Jan 18, 2020 17:21:35 GMT -5
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the opossum it could be done.
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Jan 21, 2020 18:35:23 GMT -5
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Don’t mess with old people!
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Post by K4 on Jan 21, 2020 18:46:11 GMT -5
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
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Post by K4 on Jan 21, 2020 18:51:42 GMT -5
A young man named John received a parrot named "Chief" as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
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Post by LTB on Jan 22, 2020 2:12:09 GMT -5
K4’s Mississippi Grandma gets my vote 🤣
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Post by K4 on Jan 23, 2020 11:26:36 GMT -5
I was told that music is like a candy bar. To enjoy it, first you throw away the (w)rapper.
LOL
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Jan 26, 2020 6:57:30 GMT -5
A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?
Her husband says, “Yes I would remarry, I like living a married life and spending time with someone else.”
The wife gets uncomfortable and asks him, “Well, would you let her live in our house?”
And the husband says, “Yes, I’d let her live here, there’s nothing wrong with this house.”
That worries the wife more, so then she asks, “Well, would you let her sleep in our bed?”
The husband says, “Yes, I like my bed and I don’t want to get rid of it, I’d let her sleep in it.”
This only makes the wife more worried, so she feels compelled to say, “Well, at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs.”
The husband says, “Don’t worry, she will never use your clubs, she’s left-handed.”
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swampyankee
Wholenote
Fakin' it 'til I'm makin' it since 1956
Posts: 713
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Post by swampyankee on Jan 26, 2020 17:21:19 GMT -5
A guy walks into a crowded bar waving a gun and shouts, "I have a Colt .45 1911 with 7 rounds in the mag and one in the chamber! I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from the back of the bar calls out, "You're gonna need more ammo than that!"
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Feb 29, 2020 17:19:31 GMT -5
A rabbit, a minister, and a priest walk into a bar.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a typo."
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Post by Auf Kiltre on Feb 29, 2020 20:05:28 GMT -5
2 dogs are laying around and one says to the other "I'm bored". The other says "yeah, me too". The first one says "Wanna get into the garbage?" to which the other replies "nah, already did that". The first one says "know any jokes?". "Yeah...here's one...."knock-kn..." to which immediately both dogs run to the door and start barking for the next 10 minutes.
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Post by rickyguitar on Mar 1, 2020 13:42:13 GMT -5
That's funny.
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Post by K4 on Mar 22, 2020 23:36:06 GMT -5
God came to this guy and told him that he had been such a good guy He was going to grant him a wish.
The guy says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid of planes and boats. Could you build a bridge so I can ride my Harley over"?
God says no, that's too hard, pick another wish.
The guy says "well, I'd like to be able to understand women".
God thinks awhile, then asks "two lanes, or four"?
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Apr 21, 2020 13:25:41 GMT -5
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the towns people were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 30 years."
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Post by oldnjplayer on Apr 22, 2020 7:06:24 GMT -5
Two women overheard: First says "I thought you said I could find your husband in the back yard, I need to speak to him". The second replies " Oh he's there, you just have to dig deeper".
A man walking sees a dog in the front yard of his neighbor. There is sign that says : For Sale ; Talking Dog. The man approaches the dog and asks it if its true he can talk. The dog answers: yes I can talk, When I was young this ability made me an excellent spy so I worked for the CIA, The FBI, DEA. When I got older they retired me. The guy then rings the door bell and asks the dogs owner why he is selling him. Well says the owner, the dog does talk, but he lies all the time. Never did any of the things he claims he did !!
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Shoes
Wholenote
Posts: 162
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Post by Shoes on Apr 22, 2020 13:49:22 GMT -5
BREAKING NEWS ... John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19, but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive. Apparently, he had chills that were multiplying.
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Post by Vibroluxer on Apr 28, 2020 19:35:29 GMT -5
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... “Donald , duck!”
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Post by Peegoo 🏁 on Apr 28, 2020 21:11:00 GMT -5
Two gals were sitting on a park bench making small talk while others played with their dogs on the grass. The brunette pointed and said, "aww, look at that little dog with one eye." The blonde covered one eye and said, "where?"
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Post by funkykikuchiyo on Apr 28, 2020 21:46:22 GMT -5
Is linking cheating? I don't think I could ever duplicate the delivery in text.
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Post by K4 on Apr 28, 2020 21:53:11 GMT -5
My congratulations to anyone who makes it to the end.
It does drag on, but ends well.
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Post by LTB on Apr 29, 2020 13:32:46 GMT -5
Two gals were sitting on a park bench making small talk while others played with their dogs on the grass. The brunette pointed and said, "aww, look at that little dog with one eye." The blonde covered one eye and said, "where?" Ha! Good one. I married a blonde but she is a smart one for sure  |
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Jun 6, 2020 5:15:11 GMT -5
Two student nurses are walking into the hospital one morning and one of them was carrying a bag.
The other nurse asks, "What is in the bag?"
The first replies, "Donuts."
The second asks, "If I can guess how many donuts are in the bag will you give me one of them?"
She replies, "Heck, if you can do that I will give you both of them..."
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Post by Lesterstrat on Jun 6, 2020 9:11:58 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar and sets a box on the bar and orders a beer. Bartender asks “what’s in the box”. Man says eh it’s just a little feller playing a piano. Bartender looks and asks “where did you find him?”. Man says “Oh, this genie come out of this lamp here and told me I could have whatever I wanted”. Bartender asks “Can I try it?”. Man “Sure”.
Next thing they see are a 100,000 ducks all over the bar and in the building. Bartender says “what the hell is up with that genie? I wanted a 100,000 bucks, not ducks!”. Man says “Don’t look at me! You think I wanted a 12” pianist?”.
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Jun 6, 2020 12:46:46 GMT -5
Arguing with a woman: It's like reading software licensing agreements... in the end you just give up, and click "agree".
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Post by Peegoo 🏁 on Jun 7, 2020 6:46:05 GMT -5
^^^ LIKE
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, four children, seven grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls who were hitch-hiking. We ended up at a motel, all our clothes came off, and we had a grand time."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I am 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"
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Post by orrk01 on Jun 7, 2020 7:22:15 GMT -5
The retired World War I flying ace was describing his exploits to a classroom full of English school-children.
"One day, while on patrol over the channel, these two Fokkers came diving out of the sky headed right at me."
The school-children started to giggle so the teacher told them that a Fokker was a German aircraft used extensively in World War I.
The flying ace paused and said, "Well, that's right, only these Fokkers were flying Messerschmitts.
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Post by Vibroluxer on Jun 14, 2020 20:18:41 GMT -5
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "These just fell out of your seat."
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Post by Mfitz804 on Jun 15, 2020 12:04:37 GMT -5
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "These just fell out of your seat." Wow, that is amazing. You have to have the timing exactly perfect. |
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Post by Vibroluxer on Jun 15, 2020 12:40:55 GMT -5
lol, ya, dont mess with me and amusement parks.
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Dec 17, 2020 14:51:59 GMT -5
Do you know why you never see giraffes hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it!
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Post by Jim D. on Dec 17, 2020 16:01:31 GMT -5
A blonde walks into a library and up to the librarian behind the counter. In a loud voice the blonde asks for a cheeseburger and fries. The librarian politely explains this is a library. The blonde leans forward and whispers “sorry, I’d like a Cheeseburger and fries.”
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