Alternative Movie Plots

Thelma and Ruiz.

Thelma survives the plunge into the Grand Canyon and is discovered by Andy, a toddler who has lost his way after being separated from his family. The boy displays superhuman strength lifting the crumpled Tbird off of Thelma. She goes on to manage the boy to fame as a heavyweight boxing champion.

20,000 Dudes Under the Sea

Kirk Douglas and his pals take over the Nautilus from Captain Nemo. He's so whacked out on seaweed ganga that he doesn't make much of a fuss. Kirk and the clan make a beeline for the Mysterious Party Island they've heard about, but wouldn't you just know it? Dr. Moreau, in the form of a 350 pound Marlon Brando, has got there first, with his Darwinian Mr. Potato Head Gene Splicing kit. He's gone and gene spliced all the hot babes into hairy legged sloths and gophers.

In the end, Kirk and his band of merry men are almost glad when the giant squid shows up for lunch.

The Extortionist


With his phony credentials and threadbare priest costume, so-called Father Lancaster Bomber convinces Chris MacNeil that her 12 year old daughter Regan, has been possessed by the Spirit of St Louis and needs extensive maintenance. He brings in teams of exorbitantly priced mechanics, who change her hydraulic fluid, rotate her tires, and grease her rudder. When Regan spews engine oil into the face of Father Krappus, it's game on. He argues that Regan has actually been invaded by Captain Howdy, a distant cousin of Cap'n Crunch, which explains her naughty sailor language.

At a pivotal point, Father Bomber runs out of quarters and can no longer make Regan's bed vibrate, so he flees, leaving Regan to fly solo. Which is how, in the final scene, she ends up battling King Kong at the Empire State Building.

"Outhouse Rock":

Vince Everett (Elvis Presley) is serving a one-year confinement in the outdoor "facilities" after being caught stealing bulk bathroom tissues from the local Costco warehouse during the COVID TP shortage. While in the outhouse, his cellmate, a former writer of bran muffin jingles, introduces him to the recording process. Everett takes to it like a duck to water. After putting several amateur recordings "in the can", he decides to become a singer when he gets out. He is quickly disillusioned by the record business, feeling that the record company execs are "eliminating" him from future career advancement by not promoting the "movement" of his songs up the charts with sufficient "urgency".

Then, with the help of a new friend, a "regular" guy and local honey bucket driver, he decides to form his own label. He's soon an overnight sensation, based on his smash, proto-surf hit, "Wipe It". "Flushed" with success, he purchases expensive cars and a huge mansion. But now that he has become a superstar, will his desire for fame, money and indoor plumbing cause him to forget the people who helped him there?

Raging Gelding

Champion prize fighter Rock Stone (Robert De Niro) wakes in a daze on the training room floor, something is terribly wrong. His trainer, Lorenzo Bobbitt, is nowhere to be found. He pulls himself up on the table and looks in horror into the mirror. Looking back at him, is the face of Sansa Stone (Liberace). He descends into complete madness as he tries to find Bobbitt, the extractor.

Fifty Shades of Grady

Private detective Grady Wilson (Whitman Mayo) is on the trail of a killer who is targeting victims sporting expensive eyewear. Going under cover, Grady varies his disguise by randomly selecting one of his fifty pairs of Versace sunglasses. He eventually corners the killer in El Segundo where he is holding Redd Foxx hostage. 

Beach Blanket Braising

It’s fun in the sun for Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello as their beach buddies gather for some afternoon braising. They're all oiled down by Eric Von Zipper’s bike gang and then placed on large aluminum beach blankets. The fun really begins when Von Zipper whips out his Fresnel lens and goes to work. As the tide rolls in, the festivities wind down, and the Lidocaine lotion flows.

Romeo and Cleopatra’s Ferret

In the waning years of King Macbeth’s rein, a time when great Birnham wood fell limp in Dunsinane, a young Romeo was courting the lovely Juliette. One evening, as the last rays of sunshine shone upon Juliette’s face, in the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of Cleopatra, his brother in law Anthony’s sister. Well, more specifically, it was Cleopatra’s ferret that stole his fancy. Double, double toil and trouble was in store for all who stood in the path between Romeo and the ferret. Romeo enlists the services of three witches to dispense with Anthony, Cleopatra, and Juliette.


In an ironic footnote, the ferret nagged Romeo incessantly causing him to end his life by drink driving a Mini down the wrong side of the M1.

There Will Be Fudd

Daniel Day Lewis finds his valuable silver mine overrun with gophers, so he turns to drilling for oil. Unfortunately, one of his rigs collapses the tunnel home of Bugs Bunny who demands $10,000 in damages. When Lewis refuses to pay up, Bugs starts a blog called "What's Up Yours, Doc?" where callers are encouraged to reveal embarrassing things about Lewis. Enraged by all the attention, Lewis hires hit man Elmer Fudd away from Warner Brothers. Fudd vows to turn that "waskally wabbit" into dog food, but is constantly outwitted by the carrot munching mastermind. In the end, Daniel Day Lewis gets his Left Foot blown off by the rampaging Fudd, and becomes an actor on the Bounty.

Willy Wanker and the Note Factory

Yngwie Tuftnel stars in the documentary of the legendary guitarist Willy Wanker. Follow Willy from his struggling years, as a waiter serving steamed Gefilte fish on scalloped fingerboards, through the pinnacle of his career where we find him blasting staccato arpeggios from the note factory conveyor belt.

The Hunt for Red Skelton

In this Tom Clancy thriller,  KGB agent Red Skelton (Phil Spector) hijacks a Swiss submarine from drydock in Lucerne. He is pursued by MI6 agent Hawthorne Wingnutt (Rowan Atkinson), disguised as a professional bass fisherman. His bass boat, in usual MI6 fashion, is powered by an oversized Johnson, and has an array of offensive weapons and defensive countermeasure systems. The global pursuit ends when Skelton runs the sub aground in the LA River at the East Washington overpass. In the final scene, Skelton overpowers Wingnutt and escapes with Wingnutt's stolen Johnson, making it back to sea to fight another day.

The Texas Chainsaw Toy Story

Woody runs the show in the toybox belonging to the house kid, Andy. Only he decides which toy is up for fun time. He still wears the face he pulled off of GI Joe, who challenged his status last Christmas morning. Joe learned the hard way that a plastic M-16 is no match for Woody's angry chainsaw. Woody's love interest in the toybox is Barbie, a doll that Andy keeps hidden from his parents, as he struggles with his confusing pre-adolescent urges.

Andy's birthday surprise gift is an arrogant street themed character called Afro Buzz, who comes with a fur coat, floppy hat and a chest full of sparkly bling. On his packaging he's billed as a flashy "gal getter". Barbie is suitably impressed by Buzz and dresses herself in Skipper's too-small clothes to attract the street wise Afro Buzz. Scorned by Barbie, Woody's chainsaw comes to life (two AAA batteries not included) and he savages the entire population of the toybox, leading to the inevitable showdown between himself and Afro Buzz. The end? Hardly, stand by for Texas Chainsaw Toy Story II.

Let it Beef

Two hours of the Fab Four arguing about using a kazoo to simulate the voice of Mother Mary in the title track. Yoko offers to substitute her own voice "speaking words of wisdom," but her idea is slapped down by Paul, who says they don't need Animal Control coming around the studio looking for a burlap sack full of yowling cats in heat. Coming to Yoko's defense, John points out that Paul has been dead since 1967 and starts playing Lucy in the Sky with Doughnuts backwards to prove it.

Xana-doo-doo


Ever tried to roller skate in a dog run? Kira (Olivia Neutron Bomb )is up to the task. In fact, this fair lass can even dance her way through the canine mine field on her lubricated wheels of fury. She attracts the attention of a bored album cover artist named Sonny McPoobag, who takes her on a date to Starbucks. Jacked up on espresso, Kira whispers that she is actually an ageless Greek muse. She attracts a lot of attention, but not because of her "muse-ness" but because of the clumps of stinking canine peanut clusters stuck in the wheels of her skates. Before long, the couple is driven from the coffee shop. They stop at Sonny's bank, where he draws out his life savings to build for her a roller skating disco. But no sooner does Kira have the cash in hand, and she is swooshing away on her roller blades, leaving Sonny holding the (empty) bag.