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Post by gato on May 16, 2020 9:23:50 GMT -5
I have the actual crystal ball that Nostradamus never possessed. Using that, I have been able to examine episodes of old TV series, as they appeared in an alternate universe:
The Honeymooners Ralph Cramden finally beats Alice to death, talks Norton into helping him dispose of the body. Trixie buys a new dress.
Beverly Hillbillies While drunk, Jethro reveals to Jane Hathaway that he and Granny are cannibals. Jed refuses to let Ellie May put a lock on her bedroom door. Mrs Drysdale has three toes amputated.
Have Gun Will Travel Hey Boy cancels Paladin's newspaper subscription, causing the gunman's livelihood to dry up overnight. He's forced to get a real job.
The Real McCoys Grandpa Amos (Walter Brennan) is cured of his limp, but then becomes impotent. Farm hand Pepino gets trapped in the outhouse.
Ozzie and Harriet Jealous of his little brother's success, David Nelson, smashes the boy's guitar. Ozzie admits that although he eats a lot of ice cream, he's never had a job.
Wagon Train The Three Stooges make a guest appearance as a Shakespearean troupe, traveling to San Francisco. Moe is murdered after he pokes one too many wagoneers in the eye.
Rawhide Rowdy Yates wakes from a coma, forgets his name, and becomes a hired killer, who can't make up his mind as to whether he's good, bad or just ugly.
My Three Sons Bub (William Frawley) recently divorced from Ethel, moves in with widower Stephen Douglas. In the season opener, they take in three homeless boys with extensive criminal records, who burn the house down.
Bonanza Ben Cartwright loses the Ponderosa in a poker game. He and the boys move into town, where he pimps out Little Joe in order to pay rent.
Gomer Pyle The Marine Corps decides to send Gomer Pyle to high schools across the country, in a bid to encourage enlistment. Sergeant Carter forms a death metal band, The Gollies”.
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Post by Taildragger on May 16, 2020 10:20:50 GMT -5
"Leave It to Beaver"
Wally and Beaver sneak out on a school night, steal Larry's mom's car and knock over a liquor store with a pistol they found in Mr. Haskell's den. Finding her sons' beds empty next morning, June asks their father, "Ward, have you seen the boys?" Captain Dan Matthews arrives from "Highway Patrol" and questions the distraught parents. Meanwhile, our young delinquents have kidnapped Beaver's teacher, Miss Landers and Lumpy's little sister, Violet. They proceed to the family cabin up at the lake, provision a canoe with goods stolen from the general store and set out up-river to live like pirates with their hostages because, "yeah, that'd be pretty neat".
________________________
"Perry Mason-The Case of the Truculent Tranny"
Perry agrees to defend a drag queen implicated in the mysterious death of a colleague, allegedly killed during a dressing-room dispute over a clutch bag, a jar of pancake makeup and some cheesy costume jewelry. In a surprise move, Perry arrives in court in a orange sequined evening gown, purple stilettos, false eyelashes and a Day-Glo pink wig. When Mason asks a witness how he likes the outfit, D.A. Burger lodges an objection (sustained by the judge) that the question is "immaterial, irrelevant, and leading the witness to draw a conclusion". As the trial proceeds, Mason is cited repeatedly by the judge for "excessive lisping and swishing in an improper attempt to influence the jury". The drama reaches its acme as private investigator Paul Drake bursts into the courtroom and stuns the court with the bombshell information that Mason's outfit was stolen from legal secretary Della Street's closet, in which Perry has be living for several years. The judge dismisses the case and fines Mason for "paralegal impersonation and clashing accessories". He is subsequently disbarred and evicted from his closet, becoming an homeless alcoholic living in water heater box down on 5th street.
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Post by Mfitz804 on May 16, 2020 10:20:54 GMT -5
You absolutely know Ed Norton could be talked into disposing of a body.
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Post by rangercaster on May 16, 2020 10:38:48 GMT -5
All in the Family ...
Meathead bakes a pan of "enhanced" brownies, and, by mistake, Archie devours four or five, resulting in much hilarity in the Bunker household ... Edith is befuddled, As usual ...
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Post by Mfitz804 on May 16, 2020 10:40:18 GMT -5
All in the Family ... Meathead bakes a pan of "enhanced" brownies, and, by mistake, Archie devours four or five, resulting in much hilarity in the Bunker household ... Edith is befuddled, As usual ... Or maybe she eats some and acts totally normal...
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Post by Taildragger on May 16, 2020 11:31:28 GMT -5
"Rin-Tin-Tin"
PETA forms a picket line outside the gates of Fort Apache, complaining that using Rinty to sniff out Cochise's illicit tiswin stills without compensating him monetarily constitutes involuntary servitude. They also rat out Lieutenant Rip Masters to CPS when they notice Corporal Rusty is under legal draft age and sic the Migras on Sgt. Biff O'Hara, an illegal Irish immigrant. Hilarity and hijinx ensue as the War Dept. is forced to shut down the now-undermanned Fort and withdraw the remaining troops and an Apache war party subsequently falls upon and massacres the unprotected protestors.
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Post by Taildragger on May 16, 2020 11:45:26 GMT -5
"Mr. Lucky"
Lucky and his sidekick Andamo expose the corrupt Mayor's illegal dealings with local gangsters. In retaliation, the mayor hires a tugboat which pushes Lucky's gambling barge, the "Fortuna" within the 3-mile limit where it is summarily sunk by fire from a Coast Guard cutter. Lucky and Andamo, now unemployed, secure jobs as stokers on "The Love Boat" in order to make ends meet.
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Post by rangercaster on May 16, 2020 12:37:06 GMT -5
"Rin-Tin-Tin" PETA forms a picket line outside the gates of Fort Apache, complaining that using Rinty to sniff out Cochise's illicit tiswin stills without compensating him monetarily constitutes involuntary servitude. They also rat out Lieutenant Rip Masters to CPS when they notice Corporal Rusty is under legal draft age and sic the Migras on Sgt. Biff O'Hara, an illegal Irish immigrant. Hilarity and hijinx ensue as the War Dept. is forced to shut down the now-undermanned Fort and withdraw the remaining troops and an Apache war party subsequently falls upon and massacres the unprotected protestors.
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Post by rangercaster on May 16, 2020 12:38:47 GMT -5
That was actually a real show,
But it was called "F-Troop" ...
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Post by gato on May 16, 2020 13:40:04 GMT -5
Mission Impossible The “mission tape recorder” blows up two seconds early, turning Jim Phelps (Peter Graves) into a one armed man, who becomes a thorn in the side of Richard Kimble.
The Rifleman Finally realizing that he can't make a living farming dirt clods, Lucas McCain invents and markets a rifle with a patented "balloon lever," for guys with elephantitis of the right hand.
Flying Nun In the season opener, Sister Bertille's third trimester weight gain, not only grounds her, but blows her cover as a "lipstick." Mother Superior tries to solve a problem named Maria, but winds up with a new room mate, Doe, a female deer.
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Post by Taildragger on May 16, 2020 15:00:00 GMT -5
"77 Sunset Strip"
This week's episode reveals that the real reason illegitimate restaurant parking lot valet "Kookie" hopefully addresses all male cast members as "dad" or "daddio" is not so much because he is a teenaged, hot-rodding hipster, but because he does not know which of the PIs at the detective agency is actually his father (each of them having had relations with his mother at one time or another). His bitterness and feelings of paternal abandonment cause him to refuse to lend anyone his comb any time he is requested to do so. Meanwhile, Roscoe wins on a 10-1 bet bet at the track.
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Post by gato on May 16, 2020 15:31:17 GMT -5
Route 66 Two special friends squeeze themselves into Martin Milner's cramped Corvette, and motor across America in search of life's meaning. Each night they make money in small towns by doing very odd jobs. And each morning finds them once again, under the spell of the asphalt and Martin's throbbing Detroit engine.
Rocky and Bullwinkle Russian agents Boris and Natasha are recently married and honeymooning in Waterfall, Kansas. Natasha steps on a blob of Upsidasium, which blows her skirt up, revealing what TV censors at the time, refer to as “moose and squirrel.” Rocky and Bullwinkle are dispatched to restore order.
Twilight Zone Rod Serling and Art Garfunkel are a musical duo at a sinister black and white night club. Their songs are often drowned out by drunk customer, William Shatner, screaming about a gremlin peeking out of a toilet in the men's room. The bouncer, a 6ft tall black dude, called Mrs Robinson, shows Bill 50 ways to leave the restroom.
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Post by Taildragger on May 16, 2020 15:57:31 GMT -5
"Hawaii Five-O"
McGarrett and Dolly Parton engage in an octagon cage match, their animus a result of competition over the extensive hair care products needed by each to maintain their respective, extravagant "doos". McGarrett starts out strong, shaking Dolly with artful roundhouse kicks to the beehive, but loses the second and third rounds as Dolly feints with double jabs followed by repeated bludgeoning with her "Jolenes", then finishes him with her trademark, "Coat of Many Colors" submission choke-hold. Dano refs impartially throughout, oblivious to McGarrett's repeated, increasingly-desperate pleas that he "book her".
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Post by gato on May 16, 2020 16:51:58 GMT -5
Gunsmoke Matt consummates his relationship with Kitty by playing "rock, hammer, scissors," at the Long Branch Saloon. Festus is caught molesting a horse.
The Love Boat The only U boat in Admiral Donitz' submarine fleet, crewed by men obsessed with the American film, “Wizard of Oz.” Proud to bear the name, “Friends of Dorothy”, the boat penetrates enemy defenses and attacks the unprotected bottoms of allied shipping vessels.
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Post by Taildragger on May 16, 2020 18:40:54 GMT -5
"Emergency"
LA County FD EMTs, naive & awkward "Johnny" Gage (Randolph Mantooth) and more-worldly Roy DeSoto (Kevin Tighe) are called out to rescue corpulent private investigator Frank Cannon (William Conrad) who has become wedged inextricably within his 1975, vinyl-roofed behemoth of a sedan following an afternoon-long, fast-food eating binge in the local Arby's parking lot. The leviathan PI quips calmly, yet eruditely while his skilled young rescuers exhibit professionalism and determination as they work doggedly to free him with the Jaws of Life. Later at the hospital, Cannon's voluptuous niece thanks the two first responders profusely but politely declines Johnny's offer to take her out for a rootbeer float on a first date that evening.
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Post by LTB on May 16, 2020 20:43:53 GMT -5
"Hawaii Five-O" McGarrett and Dolly Parton engage in an octagon cage match, their animus a result of competition over the extensive hair care products needed by each to maintain their respective, extravagant "doos". McGarrett starts out strong, shaking Dolly with artful roundhouse kicks to the beehive, but loses the second and third rounds as Dolly feints with double jabs followed by repeated bludgeoning with her "Jolenes", then finishes him with her trademark, "Coat of Many Colors" submission choke-hold. Dano refs impartially throughout, oblivious to McGarrett's repeated, increasingly-desperate pleas that he "book her". Wow, definately gone over to the dark side on these alternate universe versions ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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Bronx
Wholenote
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Post by Bronx on May 16, 2020 21:20:04 GMT -5
The Dick Van Dyke Show Unable to take any more insults, Mel snaps and throws Buddy out the office window.
Hogan’s Heroes Shultz sees and knows something.
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Post by rangercaster on May 16, 2020 21:42:14 GMT -5
The Honeymooners...
For some unexplained reason, the star, Jackie Gleason shows up one day to shoot an episode ... and he's sober ...
That episode was never aired ...
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hilltop87
Wholenote
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Post by hilltop87 on May 16, 2020 22:06:36 GMT -5
"Bewitched"- Samantha catches Darrin in bed with Gladys Kravitz. She doesn't care and ends up with Dr. Bombay.
"MASH" - Frank Burns gets on Hawkeyes high horse for once and likes it. Major Winchester loses his trust fund and ends up working for Radar at his Iowa farm.
"Andy Griffith Show" - Floyd, Goober, Gomer and Opie forn a band called The Four Flops. They lose the annual Mayberry Battle of the Bands against the Darlings due to the fact that no one can play the Electric Jug like Briscoe Darling.
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Post by Taildragger on May 16, 2020 22:41:26 GMT -5
"The Monkees"
Mike Nesmith takes up with a much older Japanese conceptual artist named Yuki who, much to the annoyance of Davy, Peter and Mickey, latches onto the band like a remora, disrupting the Not-So-Fab-Four's previous chemistry and rendering the group's eventual dissolution inevitable.
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Post by gato on May 17, 2020 5:55:12 GMT -5
Circus Boy Little Mickey Dolenz cleans up after the elephants and dreams of one day being a Monkee's uncle.
Mister Ed A horse is a horse of course, but Wilbur is the one wearing the saddle once Ed decides to sow his wild oats
Maverick Brothers Bret, Bart and Zeppo, on a quest to find Harpo, stumble across him Tombstone, running a honk-brothel. (don't ask!)
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Post by gato on May 17, 2020 12:36:54 GMT -5
Combat
Sergeant Saunders (Vic Morrow) keeps having nightmares about being decapitated by a helicopter blade. He doesn't even know what a helicopter is until Caje explains it to him in french.
In episode 5, the squad battles its way into Stalag 13, ruining Hogan's spy network, but catching Colonel Klink and Sergeant Schutz with their pants down..
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Bronx
Wholenote
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Post by Bronx on May 17, 2020 16:54:24 GMT -5
Lost in Space The Robinsons are stranded on a hostile planet when the Jupiter II navigation system goes BSOD. Dr. Smith inadvertently fixes it by accidentally kicking out the computer's power plug while running away from Don. When powered back on it begins working again long enough for the family to escape the planet.
The Mary Tyler Moore Show Lou gets arrested for refusing to wear a face mask in Costco.
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Post by Taildragger on May 17, 2020 17:36:22 GMT -5
The Mary Tyler Moore Show Lou gets arrested for refusing to wear a face mask in Costco. To be fair to Lou, it was a mask that Mary made him and it was edged with doily lace.
I mean, a man has to have limits, after all...
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Post by rangercaster on May 19, 2020 3:27:22 GMT -5
Sanford and Son ...
Fred and Lamont get busted by the local fuzz when they are found running a huge drug and prostitution operation out of their "junkyard"
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Post by gato on May 19, 2020 5:44:24 GMT -5
Wanted Dead or Alive
Growing up dirt poor, Josh Randall has not improved his lot much, by bringing in criminals advertised on wanted posters. He still can't afford a six-shooter, and is obliged to saw off his dad's old 1892 Winchester. The real money doesn't start to roll in, until Mattel copies his “Mare's Leg,” and puts it in toy stores just in time for Christmas.
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Post by Taildragger on May 19, 2020 10:44:02 GMT -5
"The Cisco Kid"
Cisco and Pancho are set upon and severely beaten by a mob of local homies for aping and clowning like a couple of Tio Tacos. They are forced to pawn their horses, silver-encrusted saddles, spurs and pistols to cover their medical expenses and wind up eking out a meager living as dishwashers at a burrito joint in Boyle Heights.
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Post by Taildragger on May 19, 2020 11:40:59 GMT -5
"Zorro"
In the final episode of the series, El Commandante finally realizes that red tape makes a more effective weapon to counter Zorro's good deeds than swords and lances. With a building inspector and squad of bumbling soldados in tow, he descends on the De La Vega Hacienda and red tags it for numerous code violations. Zorro's secret cave under the premises is singled out as an un-permited ADU with insufficient tenant parking spaces, which effectively brings Zorro's corruption fighting to a screeching halt since he no longer has a place to change surreptitiously into his little outfit.
Meanwhile, obese Sgt. Garcia, having trimmed down to a svelte and buffed 190 pounds via the Nutrisystem Diet, goes AWOL and runs off to Utah in hopes of stalking Marie Osmond.
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Post by gato on May 19, 2020 12:39:32 GMT -5
Munsters
Episode 4 sees Herman Munster fired from his job as salesman at Victoria's Secret, due to his clandestine passion for donning womens' undergarments.
Angrily clomping through the mall, following his dismissal, he earns wolf whistles for his see-through negligee. He breaks the neck of the nearest mall cop and takes off on the man's Segway.
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Post by Taildragger on May 19, 2020 13:04:57 GMT -5
"Mork and Mindy"
Mindy, miffed by the cheap birthday gift she received from Mork, vindictively reports him to the Immigration Service in a pique of feminine rage. Agents soon arrive and corral the lovable illegal alien at gunpoint, cuff him and remove him to a detention facility. Mindy sulks and stamps her feet until striking up a new relationship with affable Jonathan Winters, whereupon she completely dismisses her former love, Mork, as "old news".
Meanwhile, Mork is deported to El Salvador and forcibly recruited into MS-13 in an over-crowded, Central American hell-hole prison, where his compulsively-random, ad-lib quips and "little-boy" demeanor have done nothing to endear him the the hardened, criminal inhabitants. Heavily tatted and imbittered, he sneaks back into the USA and eventually rises to the level of 18th-Street shot-caller. Mad-cap antics ensue.
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