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Post by rickyguitar on Jan 13, 2020 14:37:33 GMT -5
Ok, I can't think of a joke for the trail cam sightings. So maybe we can just share a few jokes. 3 statisticians go deer hunting. 1 shoots and misses 10 feet to the right, the next misses 10 feet to the left. The 3rd jumps up and says "I hit it!"
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Post by FlyonNylon on Jan 13, 2020 14:43:11 GMT -5
Not sure what you mean.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2020 14:55:56 GMT -5
A man wakes in the hospital after a terrible accident. He says Doc I can't feel my legs! The Doctor says I know I had to amputate both your arms.
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Post by Leftee on Jan 13, 2020 15:29:14 GMT -5
When I was young I loved to go skinny-dipping.
These days it’s more like chunky-dunking.
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Post by gato on Jan 13, 2020 17:52:35 GMT -5
A man shows up at a talent agency declaring that he can sing "Achy Breaky Heart" through his butt.
It's a slow day, so the agent sits back and invites the guy to give it his best shot.
A minute later security guards are wrestling the struggling singer out of the office.
"I give you a shot at fame and fortune and you defile my carpet?" says the incredulous booking agent.
Looking back over his shoulder, pants still around his ankles, the disappointed crooner calls out, "Dude, I was just clearing my throat!"
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Post by Mfitz804 on Jan 13, 2020 19:15:21 GMT -5
Made the thread “official”. Keep ‘em semi clean, and keep them coming!
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Post by oldfartbassplayrwalt on Jan 13, 2020 21:28:13 GMT -5
no joke thread is official until it includes this oldie-
A skeleton walks into a bar, and says "I'll have a beer and a mop"
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Post by amstrat on Jan 13, 2020 22:56:35 GMT -5
K4 for a win. :-)
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Vman
Wholenote
Posts: 194
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Post by Vman on Jan 14, 2020 0:43:36 GMT -5
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.”
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
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Post by Mfitz804 on Jan 14, 2020 7:15:21 GMT -5
Keep them clean, boys...
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Jan 14, 2020 10:03:09 GMT -5
A man walks into a hardware store and asks to buy some two by fours. The clerk asks him, "How long do you need them?"
The man replies, "Quite a while. We're building a house."
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Post by gato on Jan 14, 2020 10:16:56 GMT -5
As usual, Clarence came home cranky and dispirited. Doris handed him his customary beer and asked how his day went.
"How do you think? Eight hours of flushing out toilets on 737's and 747's, getting human waste splattered all over me, breathing the fumes of loads dumped in there at 30,000 feet."
"Well, Clarence, said Doris tactfully, "you could just quit and get a job doing something else...."
Clarence was stunned. "Are you kidding? Give up aviation?"
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Post by K4 on Jan 14, 2020 10:37:34 GMT -5
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Jan 14, 2020 10:56:48 GMT -5
An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: "Trink das Wasser nicht. Die Kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
The man shouts back: "I do not understand your gibberish... Speak English, you idiot!"
The Amish man calmly says:
"Use two hands, and you'll get more!"
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Post by Vibroluxer on Jan 14, 2020 11:18:07 GMT -5
A a thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The the man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’
Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’
Man: 'Not particularly, but she'll be home shortly!!!!!!!'
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Post by Leftee on Jan 14, 2020 11:28:39 GMT -5
A particularly heavy woman went to her doctor for treatment of her obesity. The Dr. told her, “I’ve got a new diet for you to try! You can eat anything you want, but you have to ingest all foods rectally.”
The woman was shocked by the advice, but she was desperate. She agreed to try it. The Dr. told her to come back in 6 months.
6 months later she returns, rather svelte and healthy-looking. When the Dr. entered the exam room he was shocked. But he couldn’t help but notice that she was also jogging in place instead of sitting.
“Amazing!” he proclaimed.
She replied, “I did what you said and it worked!”
He asked, “but what are you doing, running in place?”
“Chewing gum” she relied.
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swampyankee
Wholenote
Fakin' it 'til I'm makin' it since 1956
Posts: 713
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Post by swampyankee on Jan 14, 2020 11:42:23 GMT -5
A lady was poring over the frozen turkeys looking for the biggest one she could find. She asked the clerk, "do they get any bigger than this?" The clerk replied, "no lady, of course not, they're dead"
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Post by HenryJ on Jan 14, 2020 13:28:04 GMT -5
I heard this one in a church. Told in a church-sponsored meeting by a lay leader. Only mildly scatological.
In recognition of Coach O's having led LSU's football team to a national title, a Cajun joke:
Boudreaux applied for a job. He had to take a written test. He had to express the number "9" without using numbers or words.
So he drew a picture of three trees.
the test administrator asked Boudreaux to explain.
Boudreau said "Tree plus tree plus tree equals 9."
Okay, the test administrator told him to express the number 99
Boudreaux drew a smudge on each tree.
"Dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree equals 99."
Okay, do 100.
Boudreaux drew a small object in front of each tree and explained.
"A dog did his business in front of each tree. Dirty tree and a t_rd plus dirty tree and a t_rd plus dirty tree and a t_urd equals 100."
I guess Boudreaux got the job.
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Jan 14, 2020 15:18:44 GMT -5
A blonde who has three sisters wonders why her brother has four.
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j0nasty🎸
Quarternote
Checkmate!
Posts: 35
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Post by j0nasty🎸 on Jan 14, 2020 18:30:19 GMT -5
A woman goes to the doctor and says I can't get a date what's wrong? He says get naked and crawl across the floor and turn around and crawl back. She does and he says I now know what's wrong you have exzachely disease. She says what's that doc. He say's your butt looks exzachely like your face!
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Post by henrycat on Jan 14, 2020 19:27:43 GMT -5
Why can't witches have babies?
'cause warlocks have "hollow weenies"
My favorite Halloween joke.
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Post by Peegoo 🏁 on Jan 14, 2020 22:07:38 GMT -5
Here's another halloween joke.
A little boy dressed as a pirate rang the door bell. The lady of the house opened the door. "Twick or tweet!" said the kid.
"My, what a cute costume," exclaimed the woman.
"I'm a PIE-wit," said the boy. "I have a paawit, and a eye patch, and a pit-tol and a wooden weg!"
The woman noticed the boy was all by himself so she asked, "Where are your bucanneers?"
The boy took off his hat and pointed. "On my buckin' head!"
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Jan 15, 2020 7:03:49 GMT -5
two guys walked into a bar...
...the third one ducked
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Post by RonC Picker on Jan 15, 2020 13:20:04 GMT -5
Three men died in a car crash. Two likeable guys and a know-it-all. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter informs them that they have to pass a verbal test in order to pass through. He asks the first likeable guy, "What is the most tragic sea calamity of the early 1900's?" Likeable guy # 1 answers "The sinking of the Titanic." "Correct! Pass through into Heaven" St. Peter said. Now likeable guy #2 is asked, "Approximately how many died in that sinking?" Likeable guy #2 answers "1200." "Correct," say St. Peter, "and you may pass into Heaven." St. Peter now turns to Mr. Know-It-All, whom everybody disliked when he was alive, and asks, "Name them!"
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Post by NoSoapRadio on Jan 15, 2020 14:35:52 GMT -5
Did you hear about the giraffe who fell in love with a midget, er -- little person? He was nuts over her.
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nawlins dawg
Quarternote
There’s no place like tone
Posts: 38
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Post by nawlins dawg on Jan 15, 2020 15:01:50 GMT -5
Hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2020 15:09:23 GMT -5
Rimshot.
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Post by reverendrob on Jan 16, 2020 19:25:40 GMT -5
Data goon, looks over at his pedalboard.
"This MT2 might have decent EQ settings, but I really still do prefer the HM-3 or HM-2 over here.
Or maybe the Bee Baa."
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Post by gato on Jan 17, 2020 10:42:59 GMT -5
The ancient Mayans brought us three things still in use today:
Farming Astronomy Mayan-aise
Discuss among yourselves.
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BigBadJohn
Wholenote
I Lurk, therefore I am.
Posts: 222
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Post by BigBadJohn on Jan 17, 2020 12:55:33 GMT -5
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.
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