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Post by windmill on Mar 24, 2022 6:11:40 GMT -5
Just wondering if anyone has noticed this or not.
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Post by oldnjplayer on Mar 24, 2022 6:31:34 GMT -5
based on friends with no children (couples) I think they have a different perspective on life itself. Having children changes your life priorities. These friends seem to put more importance on work, and their level of success at work. Their perspective on problems in life have a different perspective than say mine. I think we all can agree that having children is the most amazing life experience and brings with it a whole other set of concerns and problems. Of course most often these problems are surpassed by the joys of parenthood. So yes I think couples without children do look at life differently, this does not mean they are not as happy. As for the future, I think they do have a different outlook, not better or worse just different. Who will help them in old age, who will they leave their accumulated possessions etct to?
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krrf
Wholenote
Posts: 376
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Post by krrf on Mar 24, 2022 6:47:13 GMT -5
I guess I'm not to "old" yet, but I'll turn 50 this year and my wife and I have no kids. I've never had any second thoughts on the matter honestly. We have such a rich/full life, I wouldn't have the time to deal with the shenanigans of kids. I can't say too much on the "joys of parenthood", but seeing how some adult children treat their parents in old age, I'm not sure wiping the butt of a 2 year old is worth that kid later shaking you down for money when they are 50 lol.
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Post by Auf Kiltre on Mar 24, 2022 7:51:40 GMT -5
I have no peer friends, family or acquaintances that are childless except a few and they are also single and historically unsuccessful in relationships. My niece and her husband profess to not want kids, I suspect her job in Child Protective Sevices may have something to do with that.
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Post by Pinetree on Mar 24, 2022 8:17:05 GMT -5
It's like being a teenager minus the adult supervision.
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Post by slacker 🐨 on Mar 24, 2022 8:39:17 GMT -5
Interesting question. Strangely enough, I don't have any adult friends who are childless, so I have virtually zero insight.
Our family is very tight. My 3 kids are all grown and successfully living on their own and none live in the same city as I. Two are only 45 mins away and we see them at least once a week if not more. The other is newly 5 hours away, so less. She calls every day.
As a family, we hang out together. We vacation together, we play games, spend time on our boat, etc. My son is one of my best friends. We do projects together, have similar hobbies and are pretty tight.
Bottom line: I *like* my family and we all enjoy each other. I can't imagine life without them. My brother and his wife are similar with their kids. That's interesting because my siblings and I were not particularly close with our parents and we never did do much with them after our early teens. I went to college and the first time I talked to my parents after leaving for school in August was at thanksgiving. They traveled extensively and never took us kids along. Shrug....totally different relationship.
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Post by rickyguitar on Mar 24, 2022 10:16:08 GMT -5
I am sure they do. How could they not. Parenting gas rough stretches but I would not trade it for anything. We see the kids some, grands some. Talk and text. When we get together we just pick up where we were.
People without kids hang with friends?
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Post by Taildragger on Mar 24, 2022 10:24:45 GMT -5
In as much as generalizations have any value and based on my own experience only, I think that childless adults can tend to be more self-absorbed than those who've had children. Unless you're filthy rich and have no qualms about letting the "hired help" raise your kid(s), you have to "learn to share" all your resources (time, money, energy) with your children. Our kids were pretty much priority #1 for us until they graduated from college. When you're single or living with only a partner, there's just you or you and one other person in the equation.
Our childless friends were partying, traveling and buying presents for themselves while we were immersed in raising a family for two decades. I don't regret that and it was certainly our choice and nobody else's. I enjoyed watching the kids grow up and being involved in their lives. Now that they are both financially independent adults involved in stable relationships, I probably appreciate my free time/money as a retiree even more as it stands in starker contrast to my younger years than it would had we remained childless.
None of that is meant to cast aspersions on those who've decided to not have children: that is a very personal choice, one which entails significant consequences for those who make it. But there's no denying that these two different pathways through adulthood are certainly very different experiences which impact the people we become in fundamental ways.
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Post by slacker 🐨 on Mar 24, 2022 10:53:19 GMT -5
I am, by nature, a relatively selfish person. I was scared to have kids (and it delayed me marrying my wife who definitely wanted them). I was scared that, being selfish, I would be a horrible parent.
When my son was born, I listened to the song "Cat's in the Cradle" and tried to take it to heart. I made some career decisions that put less money in my pocket, but allowed me to spend more time with my kids. I was involved in everything. If they played a recreational sport, I coached. If it was more serious than that, I went to every game. I served on the board for several organizations they were involved in (soccer, children's community theater, etc.). I helped build sets for plays and musicals. I was a roadie for show choir.
I helped out with the high schools stuff (show choir, softball, etc.) I went to every event. I helped them practice when they wanted to work on things outside of the team practices. I made sure they had adequate (never the best) equipment. My kids were never the star, but they had fun and we supported them.
Their mom was equally involved. She gave up her career to be home for them. She baked for the bake sales, hauled them to practices, fund raisers, etc.
For all of that, we gave up a lot of opportunities to do fun things. Had less money for travel, hobbies and other niceties. Throughout it all, I kept that song in my head....I did not want to be an absentee dad. I didn't want to wake up and realize I'd missed their childhood, that they didn't know me and I didn't know them. It was worth every sacrifice tenfold.
I can't imagine anyone who has not been through that would have the same perspective as we do. There's no right or wrong for the choice to have kids or not. I will say I can't respect someone who chooses to have kids and then has little involvement in their life. You could argue having kids and then a nanny to help raise them is the best of both worlds, but you're really only getting the childless experience and letting someone else be the parents. What's the point?
Just some rambling thoughts about parenthood I guess.
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michael
Wholenote
Recent Retiree
Posts: 622
Age: old enough to know better and not care
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Post by michael on Mar 24, 2022 11:20:21 GMT -5
i like kids, my wife says i'm the biggest kid she knows. i was in public school music education for 30 years and had thousands of students, and some were like my own kids and i'm friends with several as adults. a couple that were my very first students when i was right out of college are like little brothers to me. we talk almost every day... but we never got around to having our own.
i'm not sure why... maybe because there were so many examples of great people who were fantastic parents having kids go sideways, heart breaking. i didn't want to deal with it.
so far as our estate... we have arranged for 75% of what's left to be given to a local university music dept to fund a music education scholarship and 25% to the local animal humane society.
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jellybones
Wholenote
Posts: 182
Formerly Known As: Gelee Bon (en francais)
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Post by jellybones on Mar 24, 2022 12:11:28 GMT -5
To each his own. I know many older adults with no kids that are happy as a pig in slop. Many are "favorite aunts and uncles," as my sister is.
For our part, my wife and I love being parents and look forward to watching our adult kids grow and have children of their own, God willing.
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Post by NoSoapRadio on Mar 24, 2022 12:50:19 GMT -5
Two of my kids have their own beautiful children -- five granddaughters in total. They are both great parents but, like the rest of us, working through the ups and downs of raising a family.
My oldest daughter has no kids and she and my SIL have no plans of having any. She loves her nieces and really goes out of her way to look out for them and stay active in their lives. She and my SIL seem happy with their decision and they certainly look out for their old Mom and Dad as well.
Having children is about as life changing as it gets.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2022 12:57:59 GMT -5
Apples and oranges
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Post by Seldom Seen on Mar 24, 2022 14:28:19 GMT -5
I have two adult children. My wife tried in her first marriage but couldn’t carry to term. I came from a close-knit family of five. She and her brother were raised by her aunt and uncle after being abandoned by her biological parents. I look to the future with a vision and worries that include my offspring. Now that my daughter is pregnant, the vision and worries expands to grandchildren (🤞🏻). My wife didn’t have a strong sense of family, even before her brother died. She can’t see beyond the next day or two let alone the future.
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Post by HeavyDuty on Mar 24, 2022 18:42:40 GMT -5
We were childless, but now I have three littles that are part of the dowry - 10, 10 and 6. And yes, I have experienced a radical change in how I think about the future because of them.
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Post by Mfitz804 on Mar 24, 2022 19:06:57 GMT -5
I hope that everyone has or does not have kids based on their preference rather than based on accident or inability. But that said, My wife and I never had the yearning for a child that some people have.
Case in point, our best friends. I may have told this before. They got married and knew they wanted children. Started trying immediately. Years go by, they do fertility testing and eventually determine that she has endometriosis and has little to no chance of ever getting pregnant. The stress that we watched them go through for years and years was absolutely awful.
We reached a certain age (she 27 and I 28 respectively) and said to ourselves, if we are ever going to try, now would be a good time. But we decided we would just take things as they come, no making ourselves crazy, just stop the birth control and whatever happens happens.
Whatever happened happened somewhere between the first and third try, within a week and a half. I suspect it was during our Hawaii vacation that summer, if not, immediately thereafter.
Although we never really said “we need to have kids”, we’ve never regretted it and could not imagine life without our daughter.
Postscript regarding our friends, she scheduled a surgery to clean out the scar tissue that was preventing her pregnancy, which would only slightly increase her chances. Pre-operatively, she had to take a pregnancy my test. Wouldn’t you know it, after about 5 years of trying, one of his little swimmers found the correct route. The kids were born about a month apart.
Our friends have moved away, but the kids remain best friends and also the best they can to stay in touch. They’re coming to New York in June, and it’ll be the first time they are seeing each other in person since we went to California in the summer of 2016.
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Post by modbus on Mar 24, 2022 19:36:48 GMT -5
I hope that everyone has or does not have kids based on their preference rather than based on accident or inability. But that said, My wife and I never had the yearning for a child that some people have. Case in point, our best friends. I may have told this before. They got married and knew they wanted children. Started trying immediately. Years go by, they do fertility testing and eventually determine that she has endometriosis and has little to no chance of ever getting pregnant. The stress that we watched them go through for years and years was absolutely awful. We reached a certain age (she 27 and I 28 respectively) and said to ourselves, if we are ever going to try, now would be a good time. But we decided we would just take things as they come, no making ourselves crazy, just stop the birth control and whatever happens happens. Whatever happened happened somewhere between the first and third try, within a week and a half. I suspect it was during our Hawaii vacation that summer, if not, immediately thereafter. Although we never really said “we need to have kids”, we’ve never regretted it and could not imagine life without our daughter. Postscript regarding our friends, she scheduled a surgery to clean out the scar tissue that was preventing her pregnancy, which would only slightly increase her chances. Pre-operatively, she had to take a pregnancy my test. Wouldn’t you know it, after about 5 years of trying, one of his little swimmers found the correct route. The kids were born about a month apart. Our friends have moved away, but the kids remain best friends and also the best they can to stay in touch. They’re coming to New York in June, and it’ll be the first time they are seeing each other in person since we went to California in the summer of 2016.
My wife and I seem pretty similar to you and your wife, we were reasonably warm to the idea of having kids, but we weren't in any great hurry. Eventually when she was 29 and I was 30 we went for it, and had a son, who now our lives pretty much revolve around. We wouldn't want it any other way.
One interesting thing is that my wife is an identical twin, and her sister never ended up having kids. She married a guy who had three kids from a previous marriage, and they never had any of their own. I think it was mostly her decision, not his.
My wife and her sister have their own personalities, of course, but on their core values and general life outlook they're really similar. I suppose I could throw out some guesses, but I honestly don't know why her sister never wanted kids.
I was kind of surprised that she didn't have a kid around the same time my wife and I did, as two have a couple of cousins who probably end up as essentially siblings (my wife and her twin are very close).
Oh well. Everyone is happy, so that's a good thing.
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Post by Mfitz804 on Mar 24, 2022 19:37:37 GMT -5
^ Happiness is very important.
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Ragic
Wholenote
Posts: 171
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Post by Ragic on Mar 24, 2022 19:48:51 GMT -5
Almost 53 here. No kids. Worked with kids for years and never wanted any of my own. I don't like to share my toys.
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Post by slacker 🐨 on Mar 25, 2022 10:09:29 GMT -5
I hope that everyone has or does not have kids based on their preference rather than based on accident or inability. But that said, My wife and I never had the yearning for a child that some people have. Case in point, our best friends. I may have told this before. They got married and knew they wanted children. Started trying immediately. Years go by, they do fertility testing and eventually determine that she has endometriosis and has little to no chance of ever getting pregnant. The stress that we watched them go through for years and years was absolutely awful. We reached a certain age (she 27 and I 28 respectively) and said to ourselves, if we are ever going to try, now would be a good time. But we decided we would just take things as they come, no making ourselves crazy, just stop the birth control and whatever happens happens. Whatever happened happened somewhere between the first and third try, within a week and a half. I suspect it was during our Hawaii vacation that summer, if not, immediately thereafter. Although we never really said “we need to have kids”, we’ve never regretted it and could not imagine life without our daughter. Postscript regarding our friends, she scheduled a surgery to clean out the scar tissue that was preventing her pregnancy, which would only slightly increase her chances. Pre-operatively, she had to take a pregnancy my test. Wouldn’t you know it, after about 5 years of trying, one of his little swimmers found the correct route. The kids were born about a month apart. Our friends have moved away, but the kids remain best friends and also the best they can to stay in touch. They’re coming to New York in June, and it’ll be the first time they are seeing each other in person since we went to California in the summer of 2016. We did the same thing. Didn't "try to have kids", just stopped preventing it. The Mrs was pregnant within a few weeks. |
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argo
Wholenote
Posts: 409
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Post by argo on Mar 25, 2022 10:29:25 GMT -5
Around my extended family, a lot of Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents wound up living with their children at end of life. That plays heavey on my mind. I have one disabled son.
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Post by Mfitz804 on Mar 25, 2022 11:05:12 GMT -5
I hope that everyone has or does not have kids based on their preference rather than based on accident or inability. But that said, My wife and I never had the yearning for a child that some people have. Case in point, our best friends. I may have told this before. They got married and knew they wanted children. Started trying immediately. Years go by, they do fertility testing and eventually determine that she has endometriosis and has little to no chance of ever getting pregnant. The stress that we watched them go through for years and years was absolutely awful. We reached a certain age (she 27 and I 28 respectively) and said to ourselves, if we are ever going to try, now would be a good time. But we decided we would just take things as they come, no making ourselves crazy, just stop the birth control and whatever happens happens. Whatever happened happened somewhere between the first and third try, within a week and a half. I suspect it was during our Hawaii vacation that summer, if not, immediately thereafter. Although we never really said “we need to have kids”, we’ve never regretted it and could not imagine life without our daughter. Postscript regarding our friends, she scheduled a surgery to clean out the scar tissue that was preventing her pregnancy, which would only slightly increase her chances. Pre-operatively, she had to take a pregnancy my test. Wouldn’t you know it, after about 5 years of trying, one of his little swimmers found the correct route. The kids were born about a month apart. Our friends have moved away, but the kids remain best friends and also the best they can to stay in touch. They’re coming to New York in June, and it’ll be the first time they are seeing each other in person since we went to California in the summer of 2016. We did the same thing. Didn't "try to have kids", just stopped preventing it. The Mrs. was pregnant within a few weeks. I am 99% I got her on the first try. It was definitely better than all the stress our friends went through. Didn't quite expect it to be THAT fast, but, here we are almost 15 years later. |
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Post by Auf Kiltre on Mar 25, 2022 11:10:34 GMT -5
I adopted my wife's 2 boys at a young age. There are times when I regret not having at least one of our own, or a daughter. Then I see the demonic she-elzibub my granddaughter can be and think, nahh. Honestly, I can totally imagine my wife and I childless under different circumstances. She had them young and we were empty nesters in our 40s, so there's that.
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Post by WireDog on Mar 26, 2022 21:59:37 GMT -5
To answer your question, yes, I think they often may view the future differently.
The wife and I have three kids and soon will have our fifth grandkid, God willing. My view of the future is rather grim, as I see them needing to compete for wealth, security, and resources.
My childless friends, on the other hand, are very big-hearted and tend to embrace the whole world. They are happy to give away the farm, so to speak. I’ve noticed this trend in the highly charged atmosphere of the past ten or so years.
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mroulier
Wholenote
Chemo'd and Radiated!
Posts: 156
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Post by mroulier on Mar 28, 2022 11:34:52 GMT -5
I have no kids but worry about the future of the planet, global warming, the current unsteadiness of the US democracy, the wider gulf in income between the uber rich and the working class families, the erosion of female reproductive rights, and 10 other different issues. I eventually remember that I don't have any offspring that are going to inherit this f'ed up world, but it doesn't lessen my worry level any.
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Post by Auf Kiltre on Mar 28, 2022 11:48:17 GMT -5
There sure is a lot going on in the world, and the MSM/Social Media loves to awfulize all of the bad ones. Kids, no kids, I think the key to sanity these days is to "keep it small". I keep thinking about Guido Orefice in "Life is Beautiful".
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