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Post by gato on Apr 30, 2021 6:08:26 GMT -5
Walking Small
When Too Tall Tattoo returns from Fantasy Island, to his hometown in Washington to find work, he discovers that the chicken plucking factory has closed down. The biggest draw there now is a seedy casino called, The Seedy Casino. He applies there, but doesn't meet the employment specs of the You Must Be This Tall sign at the door.
Luckily, the circus is in town, and he signs on to be shot out of a cannon twice a day. Some guy named Ricardo blows into town driving a Chrysler Cordoba with seats of "rich Corinthian leather," and it's obvious he has it in for Tattoo, who had fled Fantasy Island in De Plane. He secretly doubles the powder charge in the circus cannon right before the afternoon performance, and Tattoo soon becomes a speck in the sky. His trajectory carries him through the skylight of a recording studio, where he disrupts a session with the Rolling Stones. When he introduces himself, front man Mick Jagger has a lightning bolt inspiration for the title of the album: "Tattoo You." Bill Wyman is so upset that he throws down his Framus and storms out of the studio, telling his wrinkled bandmates to "bugger off." Too Tall Tattoo becomes the new bass player for the Stones, and is just in time to board De Plane for their annual cash gobbling tour of America.
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tmc
Wholenote
Posts: 907
Formerly Known As: tmc
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Post by tmc on Apr 30, 2021 20:18:18 GMT -5
Mutiny on the Mountie
It’s mayhem in the Klondike when swingin’ Mountie, Polar Pete (Dick Van Dyke), cancels leave for the entire squad. From spud peeler to latrine scraper, the infuriated troopers descend on Pete binding him to a stalactite totem pole with porcupine sinews. Fortunately for Pete, Marcel Gulliver (Bob Dylan), arrives just in time to sever the sinews and satiate the platoon with an acapella rendition of Freebird, while forlorn peanut monkeys comb through Pete’s nocturnally permed hair.
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Post by gato on May 1, 2021 5:12:39 GMT -5
The Lone Plunger
Ranger Bob and his faithful Indian apprentice Bluto are the only plumbers available in a 1,000 square mile area that includes Tombstone and Emerald City. When Glenda the Good Witch accidentally drops her diaphragm in a toilet while slumming in Tombstone, she wires Paladin in San Francisco, who tells her about Bob and Bluto. Glenda's GPS leads her to a smoldering camp fire, where she finds sweaty Ranger Bob and his apprentice laying some pipe. She takes them back to the saloon in Tombstone, where a drunk Doc Holiday is brazenly showing his huckleberry to Johnny Ringo and everyone else at the Faro table. Glenda demands that he pull his pants up immediately. A slogging search of the saloon toilet is ended when Ike Clanton reveals that he had already found Glenda's "personal item," and has been using it as a tobacco pouch for the better part of a week.
This naturally leads to Wyatt Earp's famouus novel, "Who Knew the OK Corral was a Nudist Colony"?
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tmc
Wholenote
Posts: 907
Formerly Known As: tmc
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Post by tmc on May 1, 2021 18:19:07 GMT -5
On Her Majesty's Secret Servant
Ian Phlemming is at it again. In this movie, top secret spy, James Bondage, is in a race against time to capture the elusive Borzoi that has been planting hidden spy cameras on the Queen’s most trusted servant, under the guise of humping his leg. Bondage lures the Borzoi into his trap by strapping himself to the servant while donning a chartreuse lamay evening gown. Just as the Borzoi was driving the camera home, Bondage releases an iron maiden cat which subdues the Borzoi just long enough for Bondage to attach the whip cream restraining collar.
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Post by gato on May 2, 2021 5:11:54 GMT -5
Brokebutt Mountain
Two leather clad cowboys bond one summer, while savagely pounding in fence posts in the rugged countryside, when not filling in as substitute lifeguards at the local YMCA. Realizing that their forbidden interests in chess and rock, paper, scissors, puts them outside the mainstream in the bunkhouse, they strap on their chaps and spurs and head for Brokebutt Mountain, the abode of a mysterious clan called The Village People.
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Post by gato on May 3, 2021 5:28:42 GMT -5
Pulp Diction
If there's two things hit man Samuel L Jackson can't stand it's sloppy grammar and faulty punctuation. He and Dave Travolta are interrupted while rehearsing their rendition of "Soul Man." They're ordered to respond to a nearby diner, where local wacko Honey Bunny, is waving a gun around and using imprecise language in her attempt to rob the place.
Bruce Willis, a punch drunk boxer at the counter, is ignoring her commands while attempting to insert his dad's pocket watch where the sun don't shine. He asks the disgusted diners around him, "what ... you've never seen a guy wearing boxing gloves before? Then the Gimp shuffles in wearing a Stetson cowboy hat and it's game on.
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tmc
Wholenote
Posts: 907
Formerly Known As: tmc
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Post by tmc on May 3, 2021 19:26:30 GMT -5
Herpie, The Love Bug
Renowned VW Beetle racer, Myron “Torsion Bar” Stuck, has quickie with one of the pit crew during a diaper change at the 24 hours of Lamaze. He then laps the pack to take the checkered nappie. During the post partem press conference, the crew member reveals she has exposed Stuck to Herpie, the love bug. The infuriated Stuck douses the winners circle gallery with copious amounts Blistex and Brylcreem before being swooped away by the departing stork.
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Post by gato on May 4, 2021 5:25:28 GMT -5
The Dark Knightie
Christian Bale struggles to keep a lid on his secret desire to fight crime while wearing Cat Woman's black lace Teddy. Unfortunately, a vile criminal who calls himself the Joker, circulates a Tik Toc video of Batman slipping into his silky chemise after a sensual rubdown by his faithful (and curious) sidekick Robin. Turns out that Robin has a secret of his own, that involves Lloyd Bridges' wet suit and David Carradine's closet straps. He's already being blackmailed by the Penguin, so the Joker decides to honor the Criminal Code and leave Robin alone. Meanwhile Gotham City is in an uproar as guests on The View alternately skewer and defend Batman's unusual clothing choices.
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tmc
Wholenote
Posts: 907
Formerly Known As: tmc
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Post by tmc on May 4, 2021 19:32:40 GMT -5
Vanishing Pint
Renegade moonshine runner, Kowalski, pursued by revenue agents, flees across the desert in a rodded VW Thing. His cargo is three cases of rare moonshine distilled by the late Popcorn Sutton. Kowalski consumes the pints, converting them into stale liquid assets, to avoid prosecution. He disappears, after exchanging his Thing for a used liquor cycle, in an attempt to jump the Grand Canyon.
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Post by gato on May 5, 2021 5:09:02 GMT -5
Nose-For-a-Tutu
The first flickering black and white film about a vampire, explores the dark side of this creature of the night, who is able to detect the presence of anyone wearing a Tutu, through his overdeveloped sense of smell. (You should see the size of his Bela Lugosi!)
He journeys to London, because he would starve if he tried to exist by draining blood from the small clutch of ballerinas living in Transylvania. He hires fly chef Renfield, who obligingly drags his coffin into a run down mansion on the outskirts of town, where he begins his quest for plump ballerinas. Nutty Dr. Van Helsing comes a-calling after his daughter Stella, vanishes from backstage at the Queen's Twirling Ballerina Competition. Van Helsing threatens the vampire with a "Stake Dinner," if he doesn't get his daughter back.
Nose-For-a-Tutu throws him out, and the credits roll as Van Helsing, who could have been a contender, wanders London crying, "Stella, Stella!"
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Post by gato on May 6, 2021 12:51:11 GMT -5
Night of the Loving Dead
People in rural Pennsylvania are being visited by the departed, who have taken to leaving their graves without permission. The local print shop can't keep up with demand, cranking out thousands of "I see dead people" bumper stickers.
It is a great relief blunted by horror, when these simple folk find out that the reanimated dead are not here to dine on them. Instead they are driven by an obsession to cuddle with their live neighbors. Unsuspecting farmers and shop keepers are being awakened in the middle of the night by decomposing visitors sliding between the sheets with them, alternately cooing and gurgling as their tongues and jaws fall away.
Barbara had been warned by Johnny, her free spirited brother ..."they're coming to get you, Barbara..." just before he got into a wrestling match with his long dead math teacher, who hissed that she wanted to squeeze his polynomials until they were fractals.
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Post by gato on May 8, 2021 9:56:04 GMT -5
Uber Driver
Travis Bickle is having a hard time making ends meet as an Uber driver. Not having a phone, he is largely left out of the Uber crowd that seems to always be rushing around picking up passengers. When the Uber drivers meet for coffee one night, the other guys tell Travis he should really get a cell phone. He stares at them and says, "Are you talking to me? Are YOU talking to me?" Well, they were, but not any more. Their phones light up and off they go to make their Uber fortunes.
Once again, Travis is stuck driving around with a cardboard Uber placard flying from his car's antenna. He spies Jodie Foster trolling for dates on the street. He pulls up to her and sarcastically asks the 12 year old if she doesn't have any shorter shorts. And she fires back, asking him why he never has any passengers. "Are you talking to ME?" he asks. Still, he sees her point and goes home to shave his head into a Mohawk hairdo to drum up business. He tries to deliver some age appropriate yoga pants to Jodie Foster, but is confronted by Harvey Keitel outside her place, doing his Robert DeNiro impressions. A gunfight ensues, and Travis becomes a hero in New York City. Who wears a Mohawk and yoga pants.
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Post by gato on May 10, 2021 6:50:09 GMT -5
No Country for Old Cans
Thelma and Louise, having barely survived their end-of-the-movie plunge (thanks to their Mary Poppins umbrellas) decide to start over again. They move to Texas, deciding that sweltering heat, hurricanes, and rednecks might be a fun diversion. While slogging through a bog that had been a farm the day before, they find a dead stripper, with bundles of cash stuck in her G string. Against their better judgement, they keep it and soon find themselves being hunted by a demented hit man named Chewy, whose do or die task is to get the G string back to his employer. Too late, they realize that they should have kept the cash, too, because now they have to take on pole dancing in order to earn enough to get to Oklahoma (thinking that heat, tornadoes and rednecks might be a fun diversion). Chewy proves to be a relentless pursuer, eagerly hitting every bar and strip joint including the Alamo in his quest. What he doesn't know is that once Thelma and Louise "took it off" for the first time, they were paid to to keep it on. "This ain't no country for old cans," they were told.
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Post by gato on May 13, 2021 5:33:04 GMT -5
Blade Rubber
Harrison Ford has his hands full in 2019 (didn't we all?). He has been called back to Los Angeles from his Palm Springs gig of crashing planes into golf courses for no reason, except that every time he climbs out of the wreckage he's heard to say, "sometimes I amaze even myself."
His new job is to track down a guy who is flagrantly violating the recently passed law against origami (bringing folded paper to orgasm). Harrison is a celebrated Blade Rubber, best known for years ago, solving the mystery of synthetic humans sucking the gas out of helium balloons at children's birthday parties, in order to talk like Donald Duck. It was during this harrowing robots-running-amok job, that he discovered the real reason for the "synthetics" beef with humankind: they had been created to run on Daylight Savings Time, so that they could be worked an extra hour a day without pay. Only problem was they didn't have jobs, which meant they couldn't join a union. This conundrum was like the Gordian knots on each side of Princess Leia's head.
Remember that? She had asked Obi-wan Kenobi to help her since he was her only hope, and Blade Rubber Ford had gunned her down while she fled down a busy thoroughfare with her rubber snake, and a basket full of Force nuggets.
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tmc
Wholenote
Posts: 907
Formerly Known As: tmc
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Post by tmc on May 13, 2021 11:28:21 GMT -5
Gone with the Windbreaker
Female residents of Haband Retirement Village are on pins and needles, wondering when the Casual Casanova will strike again. His identity is unknown, but some claim to have seen a slim gentleman leaving the area wearing only a windbreaker and Aqua Velva. He stealthily roams the grounds seducing his victims with Rohypnol spiked Geritol shooters. Resistance is futile as he laughingly says “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
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Post by gato on May 13, 2021 12:21:49 GMT -5
Above the Loo
Steven Segal finds himself in a constant battle over trying to get some shuteye. Ever since he moved into a cheap room located above a centrally located bathroom, guys with distended bladders (and worse) are constantly banging on his door at all hours, demanding the key to the loo. He complains to the landlord, who gleefully informs him that he only got such a good room rate because now, he is not only in charge of the key (attached by a chain to an anvil) he has to handle any plumbing problems as well. Steve-o finds his martial arts skills being used constantly, as he wickedly wields his plunger and monkey wrench down in the stalls. Doing a Segal Scowl in the mirror, after dislodging a particularly offensive jam-up in one of the toilets, he realizes that, although he used to believe no one is "Above the Loo," in fact it is he and his pony tail who are now in that position.
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